BREAKING: GOP Rep Chris Collins Arrested for Impersonating a Democrat

  • by Gitabushi

The FBI announced the arrest of GOP rep Chris Collins on 8 August, for the typical Democrat politician activity of insider trading.

“This is unacceptable,” said Demcorat Nancy Pelosi, who has used her political position to amass a fortune of over $29,000,000 off of an annual salary of just over $100k.

“I can’t believe he would do such a thing,” said Democrat Mark Warner, who used used his knowledge of federal telecommunication law and policies and industry connections gained while staffing for Democrat Chris Dodd to make a fortune of more than $90,000,000 by brokering mobile phone franchise licenses.

The FBI went on to say, “If he’d chosen to caucus with Democrats, we wouldn’t have batted an eyelash, like the fact that Diane Black only non-government employment was as a registered nurse for a handful of years, yet still ended up with just short of $46,000,000 in personal net worth. But getting rich while in office as a Republican?  That’s not allowed.”

The FBI spokesperson went on to note that the accepted reality is the richest Republicans in Congress all made their fortune in business before running for office, whereas the Democrats almost all became rich from investing and other financial moves made based on knowledge and contacts gained from so-called public service.

“If he’d merely revealed TOP SECRET information, including the true names of undercover CIA agents, or ran a huge, fraudulent slush fund built from selling US influence to the highest bidder, or sent $1,700,000,000 in cash to help known terrorists fund deadly activities, we’d probably have looked the other way,” said the agent. “At least, if he were a Democrat, that is.”

“We know that this seems pretty minor when compared to the corruption of spying on political opponents, punishing their participation in politics, or even just leaving a US Ambassador to die, lying about it on TV, and then covering it up with a rigged commission, but the Law is the Law, no one is above the law, and we will enforce the Law on anyone,” the FBI agent stated. “Except Democrats, of course.”

When reached for comment, former FBI Director James Comey said, “It’s a shame he’s a Republican, you know? If he were connected to the Clintons, the FBI might have used the “No reasonable prosecutor would risk getting suicided by the Clintons by bringing a case against them” dodge. I mean, it’s not like lying to the FBI *really* matters, right?  What matters to the FBI is lying while obstructing the Democrat agenda.  But with the Democrats hoping to take back the House so they can present Articles of Impeachment against President Trump, there’s no way the FBI would pass this up.”

Tom Delay called in to say, “I really wish then when I was House Majority Leader, I had gotten a bill passed that would have ended the general immunity Democrats have to any/all laws on the books, but hindsight is 20/20.”

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